Listen.

I've learned to be quiet these days, to keep the words to myself. What I lack in speech I make up for in listening. The world is too loud to shut it out, it needs to be heard.

Also, I really have nothing to say anymore. Here, and there, sometimes, the need to speak arises. Also, the need to smile. I smile when necessary, speak when the time warrants it, and express when the situation requires it.

Abov e all, I continue to listen. And learn. I've become a mindless child again, and from this womb of solitude and dark, musty rooms with moldy, moth-eaten books, this dark room where evening sunlight eternally seeps through old, cracking yellowed blinds, I will listen and learn, and shut the hell up.

I cannot figure out why sometimes when I rest and close my eyes and empty my mind, I start to panic. Nonsense comes at me at a million miles per second, the raw pulp-filled mess left untamed and unrecognised in my subconscious. But it doesn't make sense as a whole. My heart beats quickly, breathing turns difficult, non-existent commercials play in my thoughts, music and words and psychobabble and beautiful nonsense. But there is a tranquility here, one so....pleasurable, that I can't stand it, can't let myself be this relaxed and conent, so I don't allow it to course through me.

In other news, I haven't studied for my exams. I doubt I will fail, but I really don't care anymore. I don't say this out of angst, but neutrally, merely reporting the facts. I have no more dreams, nothing to compel me to chase after anything. It may sound sad, but I'm not sad about it. I'm a simple man with a mind only God can figure out, and I feel I should be doing something, but I simply want to relax. I'll work for the rest of my life, play video games, perhaps get married maybe not, drink a little here and there, watch the world slowly destroy itself and continue to enjoy and despise my own company.

Right now, such a simple course doens't sound so bad. I neither sad nor angry or anything icky or bad or 'ew'. I just am.

I bought my mother a rose. White.

I also picked up candy for my family.

Got a mother's day card.

Some girl likes me at work but I don't know why. What in me (at work) can possibly be desirable? My kindness is like the water running in the pipes beneath your feet - quiet and unnoticed except by those who are down in the dumps enough to be underground. Most people don't see it, so it can't be that love and kindness that she sees. I don't know. Romance is stupid. And so am I.